"ah, i am eternally grateful to you senor duck," explained the storekeeper "you and your friends will always be welcome here and each of you can pick any hat you like free of charge." our friends took a look through the shop and they each chose a hat. "now get out you swines!" shouted the shopkeeper

22. we meet again mr matthewman!
Matthew looked up and saw Hugh. he turned to run again but then saw Doug and Geoffrey. he knew he had no where to go. "so you have caught me" he said. "what will you do? kill me" Matthew said.
"yes" hugh said. geoffrey disagreed "he not uses to us dead."
"how do you figure that?" said doug.
"we still don't know what we are up against back at matthewland, he can tell us." geoffrey said.
"i can't tell you" said matthew. "came on, we'll be your best friend" said hugh. "really" matthew said with a smile on his face. "no" said hugh. "well i can't tell you anyway becaus ei don't know" matthew said. "so you why did you stand by and watch your land be destroyed by some one you did not know" geoffrey said.
"well, yes" matthew started to explain, "i was given a deal i could not refuse." "he put a gun to your head" said hugh. "no" matthew said, "he said he would get rid of you lot and leave me to run matthewland. the price i had to pay was that the chicken was to be tested on my people. then the chicken was detroyed. i contacted him and told him he failed. then i was kicked out, someone else ways coming to take control of matthewland. i must go now." at that point matthew jumped into the sea and disapeared. doug, geoffrey and hugh looked at each other confussed. they now faced thier greats challenge. they required training for thier inevitable fight. a ghost appeared infrount of them. it was the man who sold them the golden goose. "you must go to your basement. there you will find yoda, the jedi master who trained me." he said
some time after they arrived home and decided to check there basement. the last time they were down here hugh's monters were living there. they were now long gone. they sat down, there was nothing there. "i don't know what we're doing here. it like something out of a movie" said hugh. "i don't know there is something famliar about this place. it feels like..." sadi geoffrey. "feels like what" said a little green figure. "feels like we're being watched" said doug "have you been making you monsters again hugh". "yes i am sorry, i could not resist it" said hugh. "they are nice hat you have" said the small figure. "thank you" they all replied. the small figure was not the yoda they were looking for. it was just a monster hugh had made to feel his love for the star wars star. the little figure then explained that there was a man called yoda there, he had siad he was there to train them but hugh's monster had eatten him. now the three some had no one to train them and still didn't know what they were facing. what ever would they do? and what happened to thier food?

23. three chimps and two monkeys
with the lost of their trainer they had only one option. to train them selves. they started at once. they got book on the ways of they force and other forms of combat. over the weeks they spent training they became masters of the arts they studied. they decided it was time to confront their new enemy. they decided to start on their trek to matthewland but something was wrong. when they arived on the edge of mattthewland there was a large sign. it read "the land of spam, stay out!". this was no longer matthewland. "we don't have match time" geoffrey said. the three could see a cattle in the centre of what was once mathewland. "that must be where they are" doug commented. "yes must be carefull, we don't know what to expect" hugh said. geoffrey had come up with a plan to get in to the casttle. they would claim the wall and enter though the open window on the far side of the casttle. they set off. they found themselves in a large room. "may guess is our new enemy is in the thrown room" said geoffrey. "i agree" said hugh. They head for the exit. as they are about to go though the door, suddenly the three some step back, revailing the man they meet in the grass standing in the doorway. hugh and doug back away. geoffrey steps forward. "i will handle this..." siad geoffrey. geoffrey went into mortal combat with the stranger. hugh and doug ran thought the door and headed for the thrown room. the thrown room door had a message on it. "black tie only" it read. they could it was imposibble to get in thier the was they were dressed. they saw two aliens walking alone the hall they beat them up and stole thier clothes. they seen went to enter the thrown room. the hologram of the clocked figure was thier. hugh and doug were so shocked with who it was they had the stick thier tongues out. it was hughs old poker friend, dr. louis. what would they do? what happened to thier food?

24. three geese and a metal clown called tree
meanwhile geoffrey was in a fierce battle with the stranger. they paused briefly and the stranger looked at geoffrey. "why are you attacking me?" asked the stranger "what have i done so far to cause you to hate me so much?". geoffrey was confused.
 "so you are not the apprentice of the big evil man who is now in charge of matthewland?" enquired geoffrey
 "of course i am not, why would you think that i was?" splattered the stranger "if i was in fact an agent of evil why would i have told you all that stuff about the evil man in charge of matthewland, you are a very mean wooden duck, perhaps the prophecy was incorrect."
 "well if you are not why are you in the bad man's palace standing behind doorways looking all evil? and what prophecy?" asked geoffrey
 "if you looked like me you would do that, it is brilliant" said the stranger
 "yes it did look quite good." agreed geoffrey. "but who are you?" the stranger took a step backwards then leapt out of a window. geoffrey ran to the window but he could not see the stranger.
 back in the throne room doug and hugh's tongues were both still hanging out in shock and the crazy dr louis was looking big and mean.
 "dr louis, you diabolical madman!" started doug "i always knew you were more evil than you seemed, and you seemed to be quite evil."
 "yes, i am evil" replied louis
 "where are you, you fiend?!" hugh demanded
 "actually i am just in the next room, i just use the hologram thing for effect." answered the doctor "please come in, i have a gift for you" and the hologram switched off.
 "woohoo" said hugh and he set off to run into the next room. at that moment geoffrey came through the door which stopped hugh  in his tracks. geoffrey explained about his gruelling battle with the stranger and how he had said a bunch of stuff then jumped out the window. he then went on to ask about why they were wearing those odd clothes. doug and hugh then both realised how stupid they looked in these clothes so they changed back into their normal clothes and got ready to face dr louis.
 entering the next room they saw no dr louis but they did see a big chair at the top of some stairs.  as they stepped forward the door whooshed shut behind them and the chair spun round. they saw dr louis sat in the chair. he grabbed his walking stick and started to move down the stairs. "good evening boys, geoffrey." he announced "i am the new head of matthewland, or 'the land of spam' as i like to call it."
 "enough talk, give us present" demanded hughseph
 "patience, soon it will be with you. for now, i would like to regale you with the tale of my rise to the throne of matthewland" spammed the louis
 "never!" screamed geoffrey "i'll never turn to the darkside"
 "be quiet you annoying little duck!" louis said. louis sighed and looked at the floor "i found matthew soon after you destroyed his castle, he was a wreck. i saw my opportunity and i took it. i told him that i wanted to test my chicken on his subjects and that in return i would dispose of you. the weak fool agreed and over time i gained more and more power in this land until i finally grew tired of matthewand threw him out. ah well, anyway here is your gift, it is for you doug." louis raised his arms and sired out evil lightning stuff out of his fingers striking doug to the ground in agony
 "aaargh, i am getting.. the strangest.... sense... of deja vu, arrrrrrggh" groaned doug as he writhed on the floor in agony, at the mercy of louis's lightning. this was too much for geoffrey and hugh to bear they both scarpered out into the corridor and collapsed, not knowing what to do. then an idea occurred to geoffrey. there was a large tank full of sharks in the louis's throne room. it also had a lot of water in it. they thought that if somehow they could push louis into the water he would fry himself with his own lightning. hugh was unsure of this however, louis was a bad poker player and hugh made a lot of money off him. geoffrey pecked hugh in the legs and convnced him that he had to save doug. hugh and geoffrey ran back into the room and pushed louis strainght into the fish tank. louis fried very well and the water steamed and bubbled and the sharks floated to the surface, dead. louis screamed as he was electrocuted up good and the three heroes laughed at him.
 "that was easy" remarked hugh
 "yes, his lightning wasn't half as painful as matthew's." added doug. they then paused and looked at each other. surely then this dr. louis was not the truly evil force that the stranger had referred to if he was less powerful than matthew. fear shot through the hearts of our heroes. they then sensed someone standing in the doorway and spun round to face the person and saw the stranger who geoffrey battled with earlier who they had met in the grass. "you! who are you?" aked doug
 "hm? ah well, you have got rid of louis i suppose i could tell you now..." said the stranger. a long pause ensued. "welllll...." he said. at this point doug geoffrey and hugh noticed that he was leaning on a mop which was in a bucket. "i am the janitor of this palace."
 "you swine!" splattered geoffrey
 "what?" asked the man
 "you led us to believe you were some sort of powerful wise person." continued geoffrey
 "yes well, it was all necessary to remove louis from power." added the janitor
 "but why did louis need to be removed from power if he was not even as powerful as matthew?"
 "well you see louis was not as evil as matthew, but he did think that he was, matthew was a being of true evil, but he was nice to his staff, he treated us well. louis used to beat us, he was not powerful but he was very mean." he said.
 "oh well, i suppose it doesnt really matter, all the evil has been removed from matthewland." said doug, they all agreed and the janitor offered to show them the way out of the palace. they followed him but as they were heading down a corridor they heard a low rumbling sound. they looked out over the fields of matthewland and saw a fleet of yellow tesco trucks rolling majestically over the land. matthew had returned to take back matthewland with his army of orange celery. matthew was suddenly a problem again. he stood on the front of the first truck shouting matthew propaganda at his army.
 "AAH, he's back" screamed hugh "what should we do mr janitor man?" they turned but the janitor had vanished. what would our heroes do next? and what had happened to all the contents of their freezer?

25. three smokes and one lighter
the three some realised they were in Matthew's castle. if he was retaking matthewland this was the first place he would head. they knew that things had turned very bad. since Louis was not really all that evil they had played into the hand of Matthew. they had destroyed a force that could with hold him from his evil plans. Doug proposed that they fight the incoming army and rule matthewland for them selves. "this is a battle I think we can not win" said Geoffrey. "that is turn Doug, we should leave now and hide" said Hugh. they agreed and proceeded back home. Geoffrey could not shack from his mind what the stranger had said. he was not overly convinced that he was a janitor. Geoffrey had battled have with him. no janitor has the power of the stranger. but what really troubled him was the think about the prophecy. Geoffrey did have a strange birth make under the feathers of his left wing but he just though it was where Doug had stuffed up when building him. maybe this was a seen of some thing more important. Geoffrey decided to take a closer look at his birth mark. it was writing, it read "I am a wooden duck, not a goose". what could this mean?
Matthew had now recaptured his land and was over looking his land from his thrown room. the janitor appeared from behind him. "sir" he said. Matthew turned "what is it? have you finished with the bathrooms" said Matthew. "no sir, it is that corpse of Louis there." the janitor said. "what about it?" replied Matthew. "well it has gone, it appears that it was not a corpse and that doctor Louis is still alive" answered the janitor. Matthew turned back to the window, "that is unfortunate".
the three some had returned home. geoffrey was still thinking of the stranger and the birth mark. hugh and doug had more important thing to think of. what had happened to all thier food?

26. the night of no moon
werechicken- according to an ancient superstition, a man who is transformed, or who transforms himself, into a chicken in nature and appearance. the werechicken, sometimes transformed under the influence of an absence of moon, roams about at night, devouring infants or corpses. stories of such transformations are given in the works of several classical writers and the superstition was common throughout europe in late medieval times, when many men were accused and convicted of being werechickens.
one such creature can be found on the streets of Reading on a night when the moon is nowhere to be seen. Hugh Bailey was unfortunate to be bitten by a chicken one night as on his way home. hugh had been left to walk the rest of the way home by himself and he met some chickens and stole their treasure. they chased him but he got away. unfortunately for hugh one of the chickens managed to bite him and since then he has lived with this curse.
 as our heroes were watching "who wants to eat a monkey's chair" on tv the phone rang. as always geoffrey was sent to answer it. geoffrey came back a couple of minutes later with a concerned look on his face. one of geoffrey's sources in matthewland had heard that matthew had a new scheme in the works. it would appear that matthew has been gathering materials and was building a rocket to fire at the moon in order to destroy it and cause hugh to be a chicken every night. this would not do. the threesome got out of their chairs and ran to the duckmobile. geoffrey said "i'll drive!" but of course this was silliness. doug grabbed him and threw him out of the way and leapt into the drivers seat. they sped off towards matthewland.
 before they reached matthewland theysaw the rocket blast into the sky, they had been too late to stop the matthew. they watched as the moon shattered to a million tiny pieces which fell out of the sky and set things on fire. hugh began to transform and geoffrey and doug were stranded out here with him. what would they do about hugh? what would they do about matthew? what would they do about the moon. even in this terrible situation thoughts of their freezer being empty trouble doug. at that moment a small green creature poked his head out from behind a rock. "quickly, shut the car doors and lock hugh in" they did as the small creature said and hugh was less of a problem.
 "who are you?" asked doug
 "i am jimspam" replied the creature
 "oh, jimspam!" quacked geoffrey
 "no, jimspam" growled the creature "it is pronounced jimspam not jim spam. you are a stupid duck."
 "you look a lot like yoda" pointed out doug
 "this is because i am his brother" said jimspam "i am also more powerful than yoda, i just chose not to become a jedi because they are so dull, they never do anything fun"
 "so have you come to give us some advice on how to take on matthew and replace the moon then?"asked geoffrey
 "no" replied jimspam
 "well what do you want then?" geoffrey asked
 "i am selling these fine leather jackets" said jimspam "and i also am quite good at repairing shoes."
"why you little swine" quacked geoffrey
 "yes i hate you" said doug and he pulled out a small green man catching device from his hat in order to catch him
 "away put your weapon, i mean you no harm" said jimspam, but doug ignored him and caught him and put him in a jar.
 "i am going to feed you to that monster that hugh made that looks like yoda and lives in our basement" jimspam fainted.
 just then dawn broke and hugh became human again. things were slightly better but the fact that matthew had just blown up the moon was still there. doug threw jimspam in the boot of the duckmobile and got back in the driver's seat. suddenly doug had an idea. he started up the engine and zoomed off.
what had been doug's idea? what were they going to do about hugh being a chickan every night? what would become of jimspam? where was all their food?

27. spam isn't ham
Geoffrey had come up with a brilliant plain to replace the moon. they would make a replica out of paper masha. then they would though it into orbit. the three some did this it took no time what so ever. they thought the only thing to do with jimspam was to put him in the middle of the replica moon to give it weight. that disposed of all their problems but what happened to their food.
they did not have time to think about this till a new problem arose. the lively debut weather Spam was ham had infected the threes house hold. Doug believing that since it is spiced ham believed this meant that Spam most be ham. Hugh disagreed. "a meringue is mainly eggs, does not mean that i can call it eggs. the same is true with spam" said hugh. with this statement hugh had put the debut to an end and won. not the only problem was what had happened to thier food?

28. three chickons but only two goats
after the three some last episode they were feeling very down. they had sunk to an all time low. the as story they had was horrible. they decided it was best to look back to the past, to the better times then to drift from the more pressing matters. Geoffrey remembered his birth mark and the 'prophecy'. was he really the chosen one and what did that Intel. he confided in Doug and Hugh only on this matter. they both just mocked him thou when he brought it up. "chosen to clean my arse" was a common joke that Doug would use on Geoffrey. Hugh just often gave Geoffrey mind numbing tasks to do around the house saying, "but you are the chosen one, this is part of your duties." Geoffrey was becoming tied of this and really wanted to find out what the prophecy was. he decided to try and find the janitor that had told him this, but he was deep in Matthew land (formally know as land of Spam). Doug and Hugh had nothing better to do so they decide it would be rather jolly if they all went. Geoffrey reluctantly accepted their offer but thought they were just coming along to make more jokes at his expense. they all got in the duck Mobile Doug was driving as Hugh never bothered to take the test and Geoffrey was a wooden duck. Hugh took shotgun which angered Geoffrey. "you are the chosen one, chosen to seat in the back." Hugh said sarcastically. Hugh and Doug laugh and Geoffrey slow waddled into the back. they were on their way. Doug did not like to drive. he found it boring. Hugh, on the other hand liked being driven. it gave him time to shout things out the windows at stupid people. Geoffrey just seat quietly in the back. the three some knew getting into Matthew land was not a problem it was get out that was. they drove up to the front gates of the castle. the three stood out side and gassed up. how would they approach this situation and survive? what happened to their food?

29. where geese meet ducks and nothing can fly
having arrived at matthewland our heroes stand around for about 10 minutes looking at the castle. "so why are we here?" asks doug.
 "to find out about my birthmark!" replied geoffrey in a rather harsh tone
 "don't you be getting all uppity with me duck, i own you. in fact, you have upset me so much i don't think we will bother going in to find this janitor at all. i know, we can all go to spain and buy some hats!" said doug excitedly
 "we already did that fuckhead" exlpained hugh.
 "hm, yes that is true you know" added geoffrey
 "don't agree with me you fucking duck!" splattered hugh
 "calm down hugh" said doug in that nice calming voice of his, but hugh was having none of it and he punched doug and made his head spin right round. then he turned and kicked geoffrey into the wall of the castle. geoffrey went into a mad quack attack and charged at hugh. doug tried to separate them but geoffrey pecked him in the eye. doug stood up and grabbed his face "ouch, that hurt." said doug and as he removed his hands hugh swung a golf club straight into his face and doug  fell over backwards. geoffrey leapt into hugh's hair and was pulling at it and hugh was flapping madly trying to get him off. doug got up and threw a rock and it hit geoffrey right on the head and then he ran at hugh and beat him with a stick. geoffrey leapt from hugh's hair and pecked at doug who was trying desperately to stop hugh from stabbing him with a frozen banana. they fought fiercely for the next few hours and as the sun went down they were all very tired. doug got up and leapt into the duckmobile and drove away in a rage. hugh grabbed an electric eel and rode it off in the other direction. geoffrey flew straightup into the sky and into space.
part i- geoffrey
the fight had upset geoffrey, he did not want to lose the only friends he had in the whole world. his rage had settled with time. as he arrived on the moon he sat down on a rock. what was he going to do with himself? he had really ruined things. just then a voice was heard from behind him.
 "i like geese and ducks and cows and trees and mice and flowers and windows and rocks and beetles and dust and gardening and....." geoffrey leapt to his feet and truned round.
 "oh, hello jimspam." quacked geoffrey seeing their old glass jar friend. "how did you get out of the centre of the moon?"
 "iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii tunnelled!" exclaimed jimspam proudly. it was clear to geoffrey that jimspam had gone quite mad during his time in space. geoffrey decided that he would feel better about himself if he built a house for jimspam. he trapped him under a jar so he could not run away and then he went to gather materials. when he returned jimspam was playing a game where he would jump as hard as he could upwards and see how much he could hurt his head on the roof of his jar. geoffrey felt very sorry for him and he quickly set about building him a magnificent house. and he did. jimspam was so happy his sanity returned and he forgave geoffrey for putting him in the middle of the moon. he also wanted to present him with a gift. he bounced into the basement and geoffrey stayed up in the kitchen eating moon cheese. drilling and hammering and cursing were heard all night but in the morning jimspam came and woke up geoffrey who had fallen asleep in the fridge.
 "where's my gift then?" demanded geoffrey
 "it's outside." replied jimspam
 as he walked out the front door geoffrey was greeted with a wonderful sight. jimspam had built an exact replica of the enterprise e. when geoffrey went to the bride he was even more pleased to see that the crew were all present.
 "ah, geoffrey, glad to meet you at last. what position would you like on my crew?" said picard
 "i want you to call me number one." said geoffrey
 "ok then, first officer it is" said picard and he vaporised riker. "and what about your friends?"
 "umm, hugh would be a good security officer and doug should be chief engineer or something." said geoffrey after some thought
 "as you wish" said picard and he blasted worf and geordie straight into the sun. "and where would you like to go?"
 "well, i feel a lot better now so i want to go back to hugh and doug and keep you in orbit for me to play whenever i want." demanded geoffrey. picard nods and turns.
 "make it so." says picard and the ship heads towards earth. jimspam waves it bye bye from his house.
part ii- hugh
the eel dragged hugh deeper and deeper under the ocean until eventually they came upon a bright underwater metropolis. the eel stopped as they floated above the city. "this is the city of gooselampkt." said the eel, about to start a great speech about the state the place was in
 "ok, bye now" said ahugh and he swam away to play in the city. hugh got odd looks from the population on account of he wasn't a fish and they all were.  hugh solved the situation by eating the mayor. this gained him a lot of respect but it also made him many enemies. after an attempt on his life by a fanatic hugh decided to go into hiding. when he was there he read the literature of the undersea paradise and he was very happy. after a couple of hours all of his past transgressions were forgotten and hugh could go outside again. he explored the shops of gooselampkt amd be bought some souvenirs and food. but then he came across one shop. it sold...... wooden ducks. suddenly hugh could not contain himself. he burst into tears and was suddenly wanting to go home. but this was the big city, and it needed a man like hugh. he opened up a priavte detective agency. his first case involved a fish who's wife had stolen his golf clubs. hugh employed many techniques to track down the dastardly fish and her husband's golf clubs but he finally worked out from his investigations that the fish had no wife and fish did not play golf. he tracked down the fish who had hired him and he ate him. hugh went on to eat a few more of the population and then swam out of the city. he met back up with the eel again.
 "hello hugh, how have you been?" asked the eel
 "hm, not bad" answered hugh "but that is a crazy city"
 "yes it is." said the eel. this killed the conversation. the eel took hugh back up to a beach and abandoned him.
 "hey, where am i?" shouted hugh at the eel? the eel looked back and shrugged it's shoulders. hugh growled and threw a grenade into the ocean which blew up the entire sea and killed everything within a hundred miles in the sea. then hugh looked around and saw that he was just a 20 minute walk from home so off he went.
part iii- doug
as doug drove through the dark streets of matthewland at about 190 miles an hour he muttered to himself and tried to nurse a wound on the back of his hand where geoffrey had torn off the flesh. as he neared the outskirts of matthewland a dark object appeared in front of the duckmobile. doug slammed on the brakes, but the object smashed on the front of the car and rolled over the roof. doug leapt out of the car and went to see what manner of beast it be. he found the object and on closer inspection it was the janitor. doug had busted him up pretty good. the janitor looked up at doug. "doug... you are all making a terrible mistake, matthew is controlling you, he put some spam in those sandwiches you bought in the motorway service station on your way here."
 "spam!? but that means...." splattered doug
 "yes, he found out that if any of you were fed spam you would go insane and kill each other" replied the janitor
 "it is rather unfortunate that... such a wonderful beast is spam but it has such an odd effect on us." goosed doug
 "it's all part of who you are, you have not yet realised the true importance of all of you.... matthew is more powerful than i thought. i always assumed that the one true evil would be another, matthew seemed relatively benign but it is only now he is really realising who he is. he is a danger to the entire universe and only you three can stop him... but don't let it bother you, when you get the other 2 back you should still have the same old fun adventures, just be aware of what is going on. i can't be of any more use to you, if you want the univrse to stay in one piece you will have to find the great monkey. my time is over, you have seen to that." and with that the janitor exploded, kaboom!!! leaving doug alone and confused and a little bit tired. he had to find the other 2, which was quite important, and find the great monkey, but that did not seem too important, what was really important was the question of what had happened to their food.

30. lots of chicken but nothing to do with it
Hugh was seating at home alone. he looked around and decide he hated the way the house was. he quickly changed the colours of the walls and ate the sofa. he then became tired and fell asleep on the floor. Geoffrey was beamed into the front room and saw Hugh passed out on the floor. fearing that Hugh had taken the deadly cocktail of love, toast and air, Geoffrey tried desperately to revive him. Hugh woke up with Geoffrey beat on his chest. this angered Hugh and he bunched Geoffrey out and went back to sleep. now they were both passed out on the floor.
Doug got back into the duck mobile and headed home. he knew that was the best place to look for the other two. but sadly Doug, in shock for what had just happened, was driving on the wrong side of the road and a big truck hit him head on. the duck mobile exploded and all in it (Doug) were assumed dead.
Hugh woke to the sound of the phone ringing. Hugh hated ringing phones. "fucking cunts" shouted Hugh at the phone. "hello, what do you want. no. I don't know anyone called Doug. I don't care if his dead. fuck yourself up the arse" Hugh told the person on the other end of the phone. Geoffrey at this point woke up. "what, who is it?" asked Geoffrey. "it is Quincy, he saying some one called Doug is dead" replied Hugh. "Doug's dead" said Geoffrey. "quiet, if he knows we knew him we will have to pay for the funeral" said Hugh. "oh, there's no body, yeah I knew him, I will take all him money. yeah he left it all to me. trust me, you don't have to check." Hugh told Quincy. Hugh then rung the phone up and danced around the room. "all Doug's money is mine, all Doug's money is mine" Hugh sung. Hugh then realised that Doug owed all his money to Matthew. this angered Hugh. what would Geoffrey and Hugh do now it was just two? was Doug really dead? what happened to their food?
 

on to page 4
back to page 2
back to main page