42. i know what you did last tuesday
tuesday
it had been a big day for our heroes. they had just had their first proper meal in weeks and to celebrate they had gone to the pub. doug was driving so he was not been drinking but hugh and geoffrey however had both had a lot to drink. now, when hugh gets drunk he has a tendency to become very violent so for this reason he had to sit in the back to keep him away from doug, a common target. geoffrey for once was sitting in the front with doug and he was talking doug's ear off and doug was becoming quite irritated with the drunk duck. "look geoffrey, why don't you go and sit in the back with hugh and leave me alone. i am sure he will be much more interested in your stories." said doug
 "yes, and i have something to show you" said hugh suggestively
 "oh, ok then" said geoffrey. doug let out a sigh of relief. after some whispering between the two in the back seat it was no long before there was the dull sound of a blunt object being hit on something wooden, perhaps a wooden duck. this was followed by some excitied quacking and geoffrey started flapping around in the back. doug shouted at geoffrey and hugh to behave themselves but hugh was laughing and he hit geoffrey again. this time geoffrey flew forward in the car and hit doug a few times. this was enough to have doug lose control of the car briefly. just then an object bounced off the windscreen and flew over the top of the car. doug stopped the duckmobile and all three got out to go and see what they had hit. they found lying by the side of the road the corpse of some guy with a chainsaw for an arm.
 "hm, he looks dead," said hugh "let's just throw him off this cliff" the others agreed this was the best thing to do so they dragged the man towards the cliff and threw him away. as he fell there was a screaming sound.
 "did anyone bother to check if he was actually dead?" asked geoffrey.
 "i guess not" said doug. "oh well, shit happens" he added. doug was obviously shaken by being in yet another car accident and was being a bit more mean than usual. out heroes got back into the duckmobile and went home.
the following tuesday
the preceding week had been thoroughly uneventful and our heroes had been sat around the house playing goldeneye and stuff. plus doug and hugh had exams to revise for. this tuesday morning they received a note through the door. it read "i know what you did last tuesday"
 "hmph, i saw that film, it was shit" said hugh
 "no, that was i know what you did last summer, but you are quite right it was shit. obviously someone is drawing some parallel in our lives to that film in an attempt to frighten us, but we are better than that and they are stupid." said doug
 "ok then" said hugh. our heroes went back to sitting around doing not much. after a couple of hours hugh decided it was time for someone to go on a sour mix run. it was geoffrey's turn so he popped off to the shops. just after geoffrey had left they heard insane quacking from outside the house. doug and hugh ran out the front door to find a pile of sawdust.
 "nooooooooooooooooo! geoffrey!" shouted doug as the sawdust blew around in the wind.
"nevermind doug," said hugh "you weren't so upset when i ate geoffrey"
 "yes, but then we hadn't really bonded yet" replied doug
 "that's true" said hugh "but he's probably not dead anyway, it's like you said; someone is just teasing us, he has probably just been kidnapped" but even as he said this hugh was unsure of this. the sawdust looked as though it was geoffrey and it smelled as though it was geoffrey. if this was not the remains of geoffrey then whoever left it there had done their homework. doug and hugh decided to go on the hope that geoffrey had only been stolen by someone because he was so much fun and he had not been killed at all and so they set off to find the kidnapper. they first headed for matthewland because it was such a damn obvious place to look. no sooner had they reached the end of the road than a man dressed in black with a chainsaw for an arm leapt out and sliced hugh right down the middle. then he ran away.
 "nooooooooooooooooo!!" screamed doug. the man with the chainsaw was obviously not matthew because matthew always had someone else to work his tools and stuff. doug ran in the opposite direction to that which the chainsaw man went and he hid under a bench and panicked. he could hear buzzing in the distance. doug decided he should stay here until he could come up with a plan, but it was too late the chainsaw man brought his chainsaw down through the bench and sliced right through doug. doug, it seemed, was dead. on hearing the screams the chainsaw man stopped. switched the chainsaw off and pulled off his mask. "ah, now i can see." said the man. he looked around and saw the corpses of hugh and doug. "oh no, i've killed those heroes hugh and doug! and that quacking earlier... oh no, i killed geoffrey too!" said the man as he realised what he had done. it had obviously been all an accident. the man was so depressed he cut off his own head with the chainsaw...
meanwhile doug hugh and geoffrey awoke in a strange room, and looked at each other.
what was going on? where were they? were they dead? is there such a thing as an afterlife? was this some strange magic thing going on? who would stop matthew taking over the world if they were dead? where was their food?

43. i know what you did to my plumber
Everything went cloudy and Doug could no longer see. Slowly his vision started to come back to him. Far from being dead he was still in the car. The entire event after the accident must have been a dream. Although they had hit some thing, but what? They decided to investigate. They saw by the side of the road a chicken. Hugh suggested that they throw him over the cliff, but Doug objected to this as he know what might well happen. Geoffrey went to see if the chicken was okay. He was a little dazed but nothing serious. Doug thought it best that the chicken came with us to the hospital so they could be sure that he was all right. Doug did not fell comfortable about driving after yet another accident, so Hugh had to. Doug sat in the passenger seat and Geoffrey and the chicken, which they decided to call bob, were in the back. So they were all on their way to the hospital but some thing wasn't right. Doug looked at the road; he saw what was happening. Hugh was driving on the wrong side of the road. Doug reached over to the wheel to try and put them on the right side of the road again. Hugh quickly smacked Doug’s hand.
"Something on your mind dear" asked Hugh. "No" Doug responded, "yeah what are you doing driving on the wrong side of the road." "What are you talking about?" asked Hugh. "Your on the wrong side of the road where going to hit something" Doug replied. "You talking about you and me" said Hugh. Doug looked confused; Hugh was drifting of the subject. This was not uncommon for Hugh but it was scaring Doug as they were in quite a dangerous situation. "Yes" replied Doug to the earlier question. "You don’t under stand the road does not belong to us, you are not special" replied Hugh. "No one said anything about being special or owning the road" replied Doug. Doug saw a car suddenly come head on for them. "Yeah Hugh" yelled Doug, and grabbed the wheel moving them out of the way of the car. "What do you want? Should e-mail you, give you a statement of purpose?" asked Hugh.
It was now clear to Doug that Hugh had gone completely insane. "Fuck all that, I want to know what your thinking?" asked Doug. "No man, stuff that, you need the forget what you know, but geese, cows and aseptically about you and me," Hugh replied. "What is that supposed to mean?" Doug as a bit dazed. Hugh started to put the car on the wrong side of the road again. A big track was coming straight for them. Hugh turned to bob and Geoffrey and asked, "guys, what do you wish you had done before you died?" "Painted a self portrait" answered Geoffrey. "Eaten a cow," said bob. Everyone looked a bob strangely. "I hear there really nice like" bob exclaimed. Hugh turned to Doug "and you?" he asked. "I don’t know nothing, can we please get to the other side of the road?" asked Doug. "Not until you give me the answer to this question, if you were to die now how would you fill about your life?" asked Hugh. "I don’t know I wouldn’t feel anything good about my life is that what you what to hear?" screamed Doug. Doug grabbed the wheel, but this time Hugh was ready and held the wheel very tightly. "Not good enough" responded Hugh. The truck was very close to hit the car in a few seconds it would. "Stop fucking around," yelled Doug. Then the truck moved out of the way. Doug started to swear at Hugh. "Okay man, okay" said Hugh laughing and he took his hand off the wheel. "Put your hands on the wheel" said Doug. "Hitting bottom is not some weekend retreat. It’s not a god dam seminar. Stop trying to control everything and just let go, let go!" said Hugh. Doug even more confused by what Hugh had just said lent back into his seat. The car started to drift off the road. They all put their seat belts on. They hit a stationary car and their car spun about. They all got out of the car okay. "God dam we just had a near life experience" said Hugh and laughed. "Hugh what do you think you where doing" asked Doug. "Just having a little fun that’s all" replied Hugh. They decided to look at the other car. They looked in and they were amazed. Inside was none other then Mario the plumber. "Shit, you just killed Mario. Loads of Nintendo people are going to kill you Hugh," said Bob. "Arrh, stuff happen" replied Hugh, "this time we have to though him over the cliff." "No," yelled Doug "we can’t do that bad thing will happen then." They all agreed after Doug told them about his dream. Hugh looked around. He saw a wood chipper. "Arrrhhh, in there boys," said Hugh "he won’t come after us if he is in little bits." They all agreed and picked up Mario and though him in. they then decide it was due time to go home and to forget about going to the hospital. Geoffrey drove as Doug was still in shock and Hugh couldn’t be trusted. But what would they do with bob? And what did happen to their food?

44. the spong the moose chronicles
it had been decided that bob the chicken was going to be staying with our heroes for the foreseeable future. probably until some horrible fate befell the poor fella or something like that. also happening in the merry household geoffrey had taken up dancing.hmyeah geoffrey danced up and down the house and sometime bob doug and hugh danced too. they were a lively bunch. on a friday night they would go out to a certain hall in the middle of town. they loved to dance. but one week they went to the hall and it was closed down.
 "oh no, what can we do?" asked geoffrey in a panic. "hey, there's a hall over there, nobody uses it, we could take over and dance all the time?"
 "we can't go there, it's charlie's hall, he wouldn't approve" said bob
 "yeah well, charlie don't dance" said hugh and so in marched our heroes. they found the hall to be deserted and they put on some music and they danced for a while. just then they heard footsteps.
 "oh no, it's charlie, run!" exclaimed bob, obviously not used to being a hero. they all ran anyway and they hid in a cupboard. "hey what's that behind those cups?" asked bob and they all went to investigate. round some corners and under some cats they found a big swirly colourful thing. "well, all my calculations would indicate that this is a wormhole or some other rip in space time." said doug knowingly. "let's go through there and play" he added. our heroes all agreed and they leapt into the unknown. they emerged in a strange place. it was snowing and dark and weird and they looked strange and bob was slightly invisible. there was a sign next to the exit. it read "WARNING! any chickens coming through this thing may find themselves slightly tuned out of this dimension. it is not really harmful, but it leaves you in limited capacity for doing stuff. ok now?"
 "they really should have that sign on the other side." said geoffrey.
the intrepid adventurers decided that they should go explore the new dimension. before long they came upon a big castle. outside it were some tortured villagers. "hey, you there!" shouted hugh "who's castle is this?"
 "it is the castle of the mighty matthew, ruler of the whole world, and his evil queen, hayley." said one of them
 "matthew rules the whole world?" said doug
 "matthew has a queen?" said geoffrey
 "who is matthew?" asked bob
 "matthew is a big mean man who is trying to take over the world and we like to stop. obviously here he succeeded. this is most unfortunate." said doug
 "well, it is unfortunate for these people, not us." said bob
 "you are not very good at this hero business, are you bob?" said geoffrey
 "hey, don't be mean to me, i'm new here." said bob. they all left bob alone and thought about what to do next. they sat under a tree to think about it. just then a car drove past, it was loaded with their food which had gone missing all those months ago!
 what would our heroes do next? what had happened to their food?

45. all day i think about ducks
this new dimension was starting to look worse and worse the longer our heroes stayed there. Matthew ruled the world and had a evil woman to help him. they appeared to have found their food but was it really theirs. "could the people from this dimension, have stolen our food" asked Geoffrey. "well we are here I guess they could go to our dimension" replied Doug. "no man, look why would you go to another dimension to steal food?" asked Hugh. "I don't know" replied bob. "shut up, that was a rhetorical question" yelled Hugh. they all then decided it was highly unlikely that this was there food. this left them with the primary question that faced them, what to do? bob suggested running back to their own dimension. this was agreed to be a good idea after one thing was done, they had to visit their doubles. they head out towards their house. when they got there some thing was very wrong. the house looked to nice but they decided to knock on the door. a strange woman answered the door. "yes, what do you want" she asked. "who are you?" asked Hugh. "I am the owner of this house, dougina. I live here with hughina and Lucy the metal goat. but who are you?" she replied. our heroes found this to hard to handle and run back to the wormhole. one more they were in their own dominion. every thing was back to normal but was it and what had happened to their food and would bob live though the next episode?

46. kentuncky fried bob
our heroes where back. they decided to forget about dancing for now. they decided the best thing to do would be to close the wormhole. the problem being that none of them knew how. they though it best to just put a sign up at the entrence saying "don't go in, this place is really fucked up!" they left and decided to go to a party down the road. the party was held by some of bob's friends. only bob knew all one there so the others just sat in the corner to them selves. bob was out with other people in the party. hugh decided he needed a drink. he went to the bar and ordered to whiskeys. doug knew something was wrong, hugh never drinks whiskey. hugh downed one of the drinks and turned to face to door. there was a pale man there who walked staight up to hugh. "We've meet before" the man said to hugh. "i don't think so" replied hugh. hugh grapped his other drink and sipped it. "where do you think we meet" asked hugh. "at your house" replied the man. hugh laughed "at my house". "as a matter of facted i'm there right now" said the man. hugh laughed even more. the man reached into his pocket and pulled out a phone. "call me" he said. hugh looked strangly at the man. "call me" the man gritted his teeth as he said it. hugh took the phone. "now deal your number" said the man. hugh dailed his number and put the phone to his hear. "i told you i was at you house" said the man. "no your not, it is still ringing. you just said that" stated hugh. i have seen this film, i am not going to kill people and like change bodies and stuff" replied hugh. just then there was a voice on the other end of the phone. "sorry i was in the toilet, but i am at your house" said the voice. the voice was of the man but he did not speck. "how did you do that?" asked hugh. "ask me?" said the man. hugh put the phone to his head, "how did you get into my house?" the voice on the other end of the phone said "you invited me, it is not my nature to conduct my buiness where i am not wanted. now give me back my phone." hugh handed the phone back to the man. the man laughed and walked off. bob came up to hugh and asked him what was wrong. hugh asked "who is that man, the real pale one." "i don't know, i think it is one of spong's friends" replied bob. "spong, but spong is dead" replied hugh. "no spong ain't dead, who told you spong is dead" asked bob. there was no reply hugh just looked confussed. is spond dead and whois he? bob is still alive but what happened to thier food?

47. doug and hugh beat things with sticks
deciding that their last adventure was of no consequence our valiant heroes wondered what to do for their next adventure. on this occasion it were hugh who came up with the plan. it was a sunny tuesday morning. they were sat in the park.
 "i suggest we go and beat things with sticks." said hugh. he said this sort of thing quite often, but as they had nothing else to do they thought they might as well and it suited bob's cowardly nature quite well. they set off down the road, hugh and doug with planks of wood in their hands. geoffrey and bob had decided it was too awkward to hit things with wood if you have wings instead of hands, so they would just peck the stuff.
 "ok then, we need to find something evil to beat with sticks." said doug
 "why does it have to be evil?" asked hugh
 "because we are good heroes." said geoffrey
 "yes, that is right" said doug and our heroes went on their way to find something evil. the main problem they had was that with their presence most evil had moved away because it knew it was no longer welcome. as they walked past a field they saw a cow.
 "look how evil that cow is." said hugh and with that they all ran into the field and beat the cow with their sticks until it was dead. then they all laughed. our heroes all loved beating evil with sticks but they thought that to find true evil they would have to travel further afield. they headed for home and waited for tomorrow to go out in the duckmobile to find true evil.
 the next day they went off driving across the continent until they found a place that had the look of evil about it. they drove into a village with no one around. they knocked on a door and a scared person opened the door. doug asked him what was going on and he opened his mouth to answer but then he saw bob and suddenly looked scared and slammed the door. "hm, that was odd." said geoffrey
 "it happens more than you'd think." said bob. they went to the next door, this time geoffrey and bob went off down an alley to hide while doug and hugh went to see the people. an old woman answered the door. after doug and hugh asked her some questions she explained how this area was tormented by percy the chicken. doug and hugh said they were going to rid the area of the evil chicken and left. they came back together and got into the duckmobile and went on a search. at the base of some mountains they spotted the beast. doug and hugh grabbed their sticks and went to confront the beast. however, they had to confirm that he was in fact evil before they killed him. they started a conversation.
 "hey you, are you bob the chicken?" asked hugh
 "no, i am" said bob
 "hmmm." said doug, seeing this was not going as well as he had hoped. "how about percy the chicken?"
 "yes that is me" said percy
 "are you evil?" asked geoffrey
 "no, i'm just crap" said percy
 "oh, ok, well we don't like things that are crap either, commence beating" said hugh and they did. they beat that chicken good until it was dead. and they had saved the area. their job done they were happy and they decided they did not need to beat anything else with sticks for a while and they could go home. they took the chicken corpse home with them and ate it that night.
all was well again, but what had happened to their food?

48. stuff and things
our heroes had such fun hitting things with sticks that they decided to do it again. this time thou they wanted to hit something a bit more difficult, but what? they wanted a challenge, not like cows and chickens that where really very easy to beat and kill. bob suggested the president of America. the other agreed this was a true challenge. they had to find a way to get in the white house with their sticks and then it was easy. bob suggested they dress up as woman and they would get in no trouble, but everyone else was not very happy about this idea. they had to come up with another. Geoffrey then was stuck by genius. Hugh and Doug would dress up as bob dole and newt gingrich and as they a republicans it would not look odd if they had animals with them so Geoffrey and bob did not have to dress up. they set out on there way to washinton. they then bought some masks and went up to the gates of the white house. "hello, i am bob dole and these is newt gingrich. we would like to see bill please" doug said to the secret service man. "no, he doesn't want to see you" replied the man. "shit, we are the wrong party, he will never see us, he hates us" hugh told doug. "never mind" hugh said to himself "i have a solution." hugh reached into his pocket and pulled out a stick and quickly beat the man to death. "okay, now we go in" said hugh. this was proving to be no real chanllenge. they were just strolling though the white house looking for bill. then they saw him, he was coming out of his office and then he saw our heroes. "bob, newt? what are you doing here?" he asked. then our heroes removed their masks and pulled out thier sticks. they then ran up and started to beat bill clinton to death. they had almost successed in their evil plans till they relised that they were evil plans. "hay, ain't we meant to be good?" asked bob. "shut up" yelled hugh and turned and got his stick ready to hit bob. then doug yelled "no, his right lets go." they all argee even bill, who was lying on the flood covered in blood. our heroes had turned to the dark side was there any way back for them? they headed home. when they got home they were all a bit hungery. they had no food that they wanted to eat. hugh really wanted some chicken so did doug and geoffrey would eat any thing. they all turned and looked a bob. "i will go get some chicken, okay day" said bob. and quickly ran off to buy it fearing that if he did not they would cook him. when bob returned they ate their hicken and went to bed. it had been a bad day and it looked like thing might get worse. and they still did not know what had happened to their food

49. please do not kick punch or bite the trees
this month's night of no moon was approaching and our heroes were making the necessary preparations to control hugh. hugh was bitching about it as he tended to do and bob got a bit too close to hugh and was bitten. this had the unfortunate effect of giving bob the curse of the reverse werechicken. as the no moon arrived bob would turn into a vicious human man. this meant bob would also have to be contained, but our heroes only had one cage. doug and geoffrey agreed that it was best that they put them both into the same cage and watched what happened. as night fell bob and hugh began to transform. a fight ensued when they had transformed and doug and geoffrey sat outside and watched with some amusement. hugh had turned into a werechicken and bob would have appeared to have turned into saddam hussein. the fight was going well and doug and geoffrey were happy, but then the unthinkable happened, bob ate hugh. "hum, that was a taste werechicken" said bob and sat on the floor of his cage. what would our heroes do? doug and geoffrey had found themselves to be in some trouble. they would have to save hugh somehow, and they had to act fast, but they could not go near bob in case he ate them too. geoffrey in particular was worried about this. this did not remain a problem for long as they remembered way back in the old days hugh had eaten geoffrey and geoffrey had survived through hugh so he saw no reason that hugh could not survive through bob. meanwhile inside bob hugh was having the time of his life. he ran around in circles and he pecked the sides of bob's stomach. it did not take long however before this had the effect of bob vomiting hugh out. this settled the 2 monsters differences and they sat like nice little mutants for the rest of the night and doug and geoffrey got the chance to get some sleep, but none of this jiggery-pokery could explain the mystery of what had happened to their food.

50. one cluck too many
Hugh was not very happy with Bob after his shenanigans last episode. this story was only big enough for one mutant.  Hugh had been on a knife-edge ever since then and was likely to snap at the silliest thing. Geoffrey had suggested to Bob to stay away from Hugh until he had cooled off but bob did not listen. Bob decided he would confront Hugh and settle this here and now. Bob went to the kitchen where Hugh was playing "Hugh, what is your problem. I mean just get over it and we can get back to normal" explained Bob. Doug and Geoffrey decided to leave them alone as this could turn very ugly. They left hearing Hugh yelling, " you’re my problem. Ever since you have been here every thing has gone wrong." Even though Doug and Geoffrey where on the other side of the house they could still hear Hugh yelling. Then suddenly there was silence. Doug and Geoffrey ran to the kitchen, Some had to be wrong. They entered to see Hugh with a meat clever in his hand covered in blood and Bob running around the kitchen like a chicken with out a head. Hugh turned to face the others his face was very sad. "What happened Hugh?" asked Doug. Hugh just stared at Doug and Geoffrey with a sad look upon his face. "Hugh, what happened?" asked Geoffrey. "We where yelling at each other" Hugh paused for a moment, "then he said something, I just lost it. Then I picked up the clever and took his head clean off." Hugh laughed to him self, but a sick desperation sort of laugh. Doug and Geoffrey looked at the floor and saw Bob’s head lying there. They looked back at Hugh, he just look back. Then Bob’s body drops dead in front of them. "While, I guess is mean we know what we are having for dinner" said Doug. "Yeah, I guess so" replied Hugh. "Look it isn’t you’re fault, Bob was holding us back. We were going to get rid of him some how anyway" explained Doug. "Well I for one am glad that his dead" stated Geoffrey. Hugh and Doug looked at Geoffrey strangely. "I never liked him" Geoffrey went on, "he was just trying to move in on my territory. There is only room for one feathered hero in this story." "I thought you liked him?" asked Hugh "he liked you." "He never liked me, never" yelled Geoffrey. Doug seeing that if this conversation continued Hugh may well take Geoffrey’s head off, as he still had to clever in his hand, decided to split them up. "Geoffrey, you go to the shop and get us some sour mix. Me and Hugh will cook Bob up good, okeyday?" asked Doug. "Yeah okay" replied Geoffrey. Geoffrey went out and when he returned Bob had indeed been cooked up good. They had laid the table, with Bob’s steaming Corpse in the centre. Hugh looked very uneasy about all of this. "Don’t worry, it is what he would have wanted" said Doug. Hugh reluctantly began to eat. They all agreed this was the tastiest chicken they had every eaten. They quickly devoured the rest of Bob. "That was brilliant. It is a shame we don’t have more Bob’s to eat," said Hugh. Hugh seemed a lot happier now that he could not see that Bob ever existed. They collected all the bones, scraps and Bob’s head to put it in the bin. They thought it would be best to do the washing up tomorrow and all went to bed. Everyone was sleeping peacefully but for Hugh, who keep having dreams of Bob coming back to life to get him. The next day Hugh asked the other what this meant. They all put it down to guilt and said that after a few days it would go away. This made Hugh feel better and he started to think that soon everything would be back to normal. "So what are we going to get up to today?" asked Hugh. What would they get up to? And what happened to their food?

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